Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I keep having tornado dreams. Lord, what does that mean? Last night I dreamed that some of my co-interns from IHOP met up for Katie Emery's birthday (but in the dream I kept calling her Kim b/c I couldn't remember her name): Drew, Andy, and a few others were there, it's hard to remember now. I think Alisha was there and Lydia and we were just chilling, but it was around Thanksgiving time and my family started showing up and my in-laws (but I don't have any in-laws and I wasn't married in the dream) were getting dinner ready s the sun started to set. It was a good time but I also kept feeling this foreboding. Something was about to happen. As it became night it was only the fam there and I looked out the windows of the sunroom up at the evening sky there was this upside down but not really tornado in the sky.It wasn't like the funnel was pointing upward but I could see the top part of the cloud that the tornado was apart of and it was swirling like this:
*yes i know that this is a picture of the earth's magnetic field but that's what the top of the cloud looked and even the direction it was swirling in from bottom to top.*

So I tell everyone that we should start closing up the house and gathering food and flashlights and candles and go downstairs and cut off the electricity and everyone's listening but they're being really really slow about it, so that by the time it's night and the funnel is still in the sky (it hadn't touched down yet) but no one was ready. It could touch down any moment and so I turned off the lights and yelled for everyone to gather together but they were scattered all over the two parts of the house (they were linked by a breezeway and I was in the back the part that faced the back yard) and I'm trying to gather all the stuff we need while everyone is still milling around. Then I wake up.

*the house was like this wood cabin structure like a big vacation house*

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

A Survey...

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
---ancd convictions rapidly crystallize. God's close oversight of the process.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What's there?
---the wall

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
---Bruce Almighty

4 .... Without ... looking, guess what time it is:

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?

6. With the exception of the computer ..., what can you hear?
---Bruce Almighty on TV

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
---last night @ like 11:30pm. Welcoming my friend Jessica to the house

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
---a blog about my friend's birth

9. What are you wearing?
---black blouson top and black capris

10. Did you dream last night?

11. When did you last laugh?
---this morning I think

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
---a print about the fruits of the spirit

13. Seen anything weird lately?
---not really

14. What do you think of this quiz?
---I don't

15. What is the last film you saw?
---Seven Pounds

16.If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
---my college education and I'd pay off my dad's mortgage

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know:
---I want to be a midwife

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
---everyone would know the love of Jesus Christ

19. Do you like to dance?
---I *love* to dance

20. George Bush:

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
--- Rada (rayduh) Marie Annetoinette.

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
--- Aquila. I don't know about the rest of his names (I'm a long names person).

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
---..Yes, Scotland and Australia here I come

24. What do you want to say to God when you reach the pearly gates?
---"It's good to be home."

baby Dara is born!!!

So my friend Tracy just gave birth today and I attended. She had a home birth and I have to say it was a good experience and pretty quick too; her entire labor was about 2.5 hours, which is pretty unusual. She let another friend and me be there because I am considering midwifery and my friend Hephzibah is considering obstetrics (though now she's leaning more towards midwifery; yay!). Her midwife really led us through what was going on and what she was doing at each stage of labor, and I wasn't grossed out like I thought I'd be. While messy it's just a natural part of life, this is what happens when humans reproduc. Zi had a harder time dealing with it though. The baby (girl, 8.03 lbs, born at 4:33 pm) was so beautiful and Tracy was pretty much recovered if really sore about an hour afterwards, and she could relax because it was her house her rules. It definitely made the enitre process easier being at home. Afterwards I was thinking, I can handle this, I can do this for a living. I just appreciate that she let me be apart of such an intimate time with her family.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Tonight--actually, this morning a few moments ago-- me and three of my friends lay in my front yard in Suburbiaville. We looked at the stars so long that we felt like we were about to fall off the surface of the Earth. And I kept getting Orion's belt confused with the Little Dipper (I was never much of an astronomer). Our feet kept getting cold and we kept smelling this horrible odor that turned out to be my dog Dice's poop on the bottom of the blanket on the ground (fortunately we laid two down). It was so much fun, we were laughing so much that I was scared of waking up the neighbors at two in the morning, lol. I can't wait to do it again. I kept thinking that if I was still en ough I could feel the Earth turning.

I love nights like that where all the girl's are together and we can enjoy something like the nmigt sky and a shooting star or the aura around the moon.This is the reason God made the winter weather in Florida so mild. And it's funny because when my friend Shalom first had the idea I didn't want to go outside at all. I'm not the outdoorsy, campy, hiking, granola types. But it was good laying outside huddled together under three blankets, trying to keep our feet warm and dry. It was good.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Brownish Spider

Brownish Spider
Song by Mewithoutyou
Set by Esther Leone

every thing I thought I'd learned
ambition and illusion turned
to drawings on a loose leaf sheet
of figs and fruits I couldn't eat

what in her do I require?
the face of gratified desire
what in me does she require?
the face of a gratified desire

brownish spider,
brownish leaf
confirms my deepest held belief.
no more spider,
no more leaf,
no more me,
no more belief.

Hills of Myrrh and Frankincense

Run away and come back
Come back and run away.
It's what I seem to do all day, every day.
Because I can't make up my mind
Though I've made it up a thousand times.
To be with You
To stay with You
I say never again
And I shut the door on my sin
Only to return to it the next day.
The same way I go back to a
midnight snack, to indulge in indulgence
and in regret.

They say it's better to love without
The heavy weight on a soul that is guilt
And I agree, but I can't walk away
Not when I know that the one
To wipe away the guilt was me.
What kind of cheap forgiveness is that?
I think they call it a hardened heart.

All day I cry, "Catch for us the foxes!"
Then, deliberately I eave open the fate
By the next morning I'm crying
Over the ruined vines.

All day You say, "My dove in the clefts
of the rock, In the hiding places of
the mountainside, Let me see your face.
Let me hear your voice; for your voice
is sweet, and your face is lovely."

And all day I am too proud and too scared
And too proud to admit I'm scared
And I run away. In the valley of decision
I live, all day.

And I place my hand in Yours
once again, Lord let me stay.
Oh my Father I want to stay with You!


Sorrow and Suffering stand on each side
A hand on each of my shoulders, hoods hanging
low over each brow, a needle prick in my chest
As we take each step toward the Hills

Before long I am running in
the opposite direction and pushing them away.
The way through is too hard and too long
and this needle--now a sword-- in my heart
is more than any one should try to bear.

Before long, Sorrow and Suffering have caught
up with me. Before long holding me,
Before long rocking me back and forth
Like that painting of the Mother and Child
Oh mother!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Your Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English
30% Dixie
10% Yankee
0% Midwestern
0% Upper Midwestern

The Castle Personality Test
You are a bit tentative when it comes to new experiences. You have to push yourself to try new things, but once you do, you love the adventure.
You like to think that people see you as dramatic and fascinating. You do your best to seem mysterious.
You are a very realistic person. You see the world as it is, flaws and all.
Right now, you feel like the whole world is open to you. You see lots of possibilities.
Overall, your life is well managed and fulfilling. You enjoy every day, even if nothing out of the ordinary happens.
You feel like the fate of the future partially rests in your hands. You believe you need to help make the world a better place.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Entries from the Urban Dictionary


a mythical male creature who is successful (read: pursuing his passion and can pay his electric bills/rent), funny, chivalrous, masculine (read: not chauvinistic), adventurous, artistic (read: not suicidal).

See any John Cusack film (or Chuck Klosterman's witty commentary on Fake Love in Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Pops), any romantic comedy where the flawed guy comes through in the end...

Examples of Usage:
"Where is my manicorn? I keep going out with all these losers!"
"Too bad I settled when I got married, I just met my manicorn."

Blackberry Jam
A people traffic jam that occurrs in subway tunnels and bus stations. Caused by inconsiderate workaholics walking too slow while their noses are glued to their Blackberry device.

Examples of Usage:
I was late for work because there was a Blackberry Jam getting out of the A train.

Desk Rage
The peak of office employee stress levels which ultimately starts with the screaming of vulgar language within the workplace. It can often times lead to assaulting fellow employees, abusing office equipment and/or stealing of company property, abusing sick days and ultimately poor production at work. A possible side effect is that the employee continues to take out his or her rage at their residence in the form of kicking small animals and drinking heavily.

Examples of Usage:
With my pending at work and the amount of people calling me each day I'm on the brink of desk rage and one day I'm going to break and take it out on that weird guy that sits next to me.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Black Girl, Light World I: Myth of the Melting Pot

For the last few days I've been mulling over a conversation I had with two friends about 1.5-2 years ago about the various cultural "prefixes" (African/Chinese/Cuban/etc.) to American and whether or not they are necessary or actually more hurtful in the scheme of becoming a cultural melting pot of Americans. My friends' position was that these titles separate us and that everyone should just call themselves American and have it done with. Doesn't the constant reminder of different backgrounds distract us from our common goals now that we're here as well as exacerbate racism and discrimination, making us weaker and more divided as a people?

At the time, my only response was to say that in remembrance of history it's valuable. How can you know who you are if you don't know where you've come from? The very thought that you can try to erase your background with new uniform title is ludicrous to say the least. We ended the conversation at a stalemate with me unable to adequately explain what I was thinking. Over the years, this and similar topics have come up but I the other day I found a blog and
a particular entry that better explained my thought processes:

I will never forget the words I heard come out of the mouth of one of these guys in response to the tensions between blacks and native americans:
“It’s nuts, you know? All these tensions based on race it’s just…stupid. Life’s too short, you know? This is America. We should just forget all this bickering and just become one culture!”
The last sentence of his claim sent me into fits of laughter in a discussion that was otherwise utterly un-funny. I fell BACKWARDS out of my chair, and rolled around on the floor of the classroom howling with laughter and clutching my stomach until I was thrown out of class and told to report to detention (this happened in high school)...
White people make the ‘one culture’ argument in front of minorities all the time, and they do it because they think it’s what we want to hear**. What they don’t know is that this argument enrages us for two reasons: 1.) It allows white people to forget about the consequences of historic racial injustice (which would persist, even if we were ‘one culture’) while continuing to reap the benefits of historic racial injustice 2.) ‘One Culture’ implies a melting pot, which is COMPLETELY impossible. For there to be one culture, there would have to be forced assimilation into an existing culture*, which is something that minorities (blacks and indians above all) are all too familiar with (think ‘YO NAME IS TOBY! and Indian boarding schools with the mission ‘Kill the Indian, Save the Man’, like the one attended by my father) The One Culture argument implies ignorance of minority issues on the part of whites, and an entirely self-serving agenda.

* White culture, to be exact.
**(my own note, not apart of the excerpted post above)
I don't think that all say this b/c they think it's what we as minorities want to hear;
some people genuinely believe this, and think it's the best way to confront racism.
While I respect the desire for racism to be a thing of the past,
I must say that I totally disagree with this point of view for the reasons stated below.

Basically, the idea of a melting pot culture means that someone else's culture is going to be totally oppressed, represented as inferior, and the people from that culture discriminated against. This brings to my mind a documentary I watched on Qin Shi Huang, the first emperor of China. In history he is credited with uniting China and creating a common language, monetary system, building the Great Wall, etc. An often overlooked aspect of his unification is that he suppressed the cultures and language of the other five Chinese states and establishing his own as the "common" one. This is the same thing that happens in almost every human manufactured "unification" of cultures. The stronger really suppresses the weaker and makes it anathema. When my friends are saying we should just call ourselves American and see ourselves as one culture, the truth is that it's a white or white dominated culture that, of course, is affected by the surrounding minorities-it can't escape unscathed-but it's a definitely a culture that is geared towards the majority and looks down on the minority. But the majority (whatever majority we're talking about) can get away with not even thinking about this fact anymore because we are now calling ourselves a "melting pot" and have a "common culture". These differences don't divide us anymore or shouldn't anyway. Can't we all just get along?
My goal is no to "exacerbate racial tensions" or whatever you want to call it. My goal is to point out that racism isn't done and over with and, to be honest, I think it is now at the best it's ever going to be, noting the way the Bible describes the End Times as an outpouring of sin and hatred. Racism is definitely apart of that and I think we are living in the days close to those times. To be honest I already see it increasing from when I was younger, particularly speaking of antisemitism.

There is only--and I do mean ONLY--one superior overriding super-culture, and that is the culture of Christ. It doesn't discriminate against any culture, for all are valued in some aspects and all must give up some aspects of their culture that are fleshly and geared towards love of the world rather than love of Christ and His Church. Everyone has something to contribute to the Body culturally, and everyone has some things in their culture that detract from Biblical function of the Body.


Friday, September 26, 2008

What Your Bed Says About You
Outward appearances aren't important to you at all. You think that the over emphasis on looks to be shallow.

You try to be an organized person, but you often fall behind. Certain parts of your life tend to fall into chaos.

You are not very high maintenance in general, but you are high maintenance about a few things.

In relationships, you tend to kick back and let the other person be in charge.

You tend to be a dreamy, head in the clouds type of person. You think in terms of possibilities.

You are a bit of a homebody, but you can also make yourself at home anywhere.

Monday, September 22, 2008

My heart hurts. Not for myself only, but for others. It hasn't in a while, but this is good. It's good to realize that the people I pass on the street aren't props in the movie of my life. They have their own lives, their own problems, their own feelings, their own hurts, and God cares just as much for each of them as He does for me. He is interesed in their choices and their hearts. There are things that hurt them and that they do to hurt others that matter. And I should care. I am suppposed to pray for them and speak to them and speak into them, from the resevior of what God has given me in my times of study, prayer, and contemplation with Him. I want to walk in love and power to change people's lives; to have the evidence of change in my own life.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Steam Punk and Other Eclectica

Something I Do In My Spare Time

Romans 12:1-2

I'm in a creative, make-something mood, but nothing I put to my hands seems to be the right thing. I feel restless because I'm an idiot and I know it. I run and hide, from what the best things. It is hard to kick against the goads and I don't want to anymore. Nothing is too hard for Christ who is God, and the Holy Spirit which has been placed in me. i wish I wasn't afraid to hear the truth and "do the right thing". Caught in the non existent catch-22 of my own making. It wouldn't be hard if i would just surrender, just let go.

Just. Let. Go.

Maybe it won't be as bad as I think.

Maybe it will be worse.

Maybe He isn't asking what I think He's asking.

I'm almost sure it will be the very thing that tears me in two--into nothing.
Tears me into nothing.

But I know it will be best.

The discipline the "sacrifice".
Finally a living sacrifice,
holy and acceptable.
My reasonable (showing reason or sound judgment; "a sensible choice"; "a sensible person"; fair: not excessive or extreme; "a fairish income"; "reasonable prices"; marked by sound judgment; "sane nuclear policy) service.

Reasonable service.
Even the thing I don't want to be asked is quite reasonable.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Now For Some Silliness

Ashley is sitting on the couch and I'm telling the whole world about it. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! Ashley and Charlie the Unicorn sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes strange mutual atrraction through the vortex of darkness. Then comes a joint rulership of the Bo-nan-o Kingdom. Then comes strange and extremely bewildering children that are red and blue unicors, though you'd *think* that they'd be half-human half-unicorn, also known as hunicorns, but they're not. That's not all. That's not all. Then comes the school of fugu fish drinkin' alcohol.

Friday, September 5, 2008

So school has started and I have a great schedule--all Tuesday/Thursday classes--so that I can work more easily. Now if only I could find a job. Well, another job. Eight hours a week at min. wage isn't going to cut it.

This week in poetic technique two girls came to my class to hype the wonders of study abroad, and I have to say that they did a good job, but i don't think I'll be able to do that next year and take any of the classes I need to graduate, which is disappointing. The the course offerings are quite broad, esp. for the Valencia and London study centers, they still don't have my classes. But I do so want to go. I was also thinking about changing my foreign language from Latin to Italian, but I also think it's too late for that I should have thought about that last semester. I may still take a class or two though.

Sometimes, it's good to just talk about my day. No huge meaning of life/worship/living Christianity questions, though they are just under the surface of my thoughts, begging to be released. Maybe in a few hours after I've had some sleep. I am tired. More than I should be but I almost never go to bed at a reasonable time. I should, but I never do before 12am.

Monday, August 25, 2008

I just finished the book The Timetraveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenfegger and I hve to say it is the most heartbreaking book I've read since... Nicholas Spark's Message in a Bottle, though I cried harder and longer at the end of The Notebook (I haven't read the book yet). At the end of the story I basically wanted to fin my future husband whomever he may be, jump into his arms, and beg him to hold me and never let go.

It's funny that I feel that because last week (?) Thursday I was talking with my sister and something just happened. The drive, the heady desperation to be married just kind of... fell away from me.I still want it, but if it's not tomorrow or next year or even the year after I'm going to be okay. If it's before I'll be thankful, but if it's not, I'll be okay. I'm able to desire such things as a husband's embrace without feeling like the anvil of time is hanging over my head. God has it taken care of me no matter when it happens, if I remain faithful. And that's the hard part, remaining obedient and faithful.I'm bad at it and I don't know what to do half the time. I must change and I know it's just a wrong attitude in me, but it's so hard to just do as I know I should when I want to do something totally else.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Hannah Tolley is your soulmate.

You truly love Shalom.

You consider Vicky your true friend.

You know that Shalom is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Hannah Taylor for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Myself is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Prian is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Ramon is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Ramon changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think Royce is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Royce has a hidden internet romance.

There's a 62% Chance That You Need Therapy

You almost certainly need therapy. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Lately life has not been easy for you. Why not let a therapist help you sort things out?

Saturday, August 16, 2008

A Yet Untitled Song

A Yet Untitled Song

Clear-walled cage

With holes for air

I’m sitting there

Not sitting there

Watching you

In the clear-walled cage

With holes for air

Vine draped neck

Wrapped round and round

White glories hanging upside-down

And you sitting there

Content to be-

I’m sorry that it’s you, not me-

In your clear-walled cage

With holes for air

The moon man sings you a lull-a-bye

The taste of the song uncomforting

Certainly nothing

Could lead you to sleep

You pace in your cage


With holes

With holes for air

So you can breathe

But you—not content to be—

Wish not to breathe

And cover the holes

With your remaining clothes

You cover the holes

Of your clear-walled cage

With holes for air

And when I come back to see

Not to actually see

But to “see”

There is no one standing there

In the clear-walled cage

With no holes for air

A Young Bruce Wayne: The Suffering Frame

"Pain hardens, and great pain hardens greatly, whatever the comforters say, and suffering does not ennoble, though it may occasionally lend a certain rigid dignity of manner to the suffering frame."

Friday, August 15, 2008

Blog Things Can Be Fun, Part 2

You Are Andale Mono
You are a geek, pure and simple. You spend a lot of time online. (accurate)
In fact, you probably love the internet more than anyone you know.
You are picky about design, mostly for readability's sake. (accurate)
You are the type most likely to be irritated by a bad font. (accurate)

Only 1 question changes these two and I can't decide

You Are Black Tea

You have a bold personality. You're not afraid of simply being yourself.
You have the courage to speak the truth. You are fearless in your actions.
You come off as a bit intimidating and unapproachable. Only confident people are attracted to you.
You don't try to scare off anyone. You're just an intense person!

You Are Chai Tea

There are many subtle sides to your personality. You are difficult to decode.
You are a complex and deep individual. You have many nuanced beliefs, and your mood frequently changes.
You are a creative and expressive person. You draw your inspiration from the whole world.
You enjoy exotic food, music, and travel. Your tastes are very international.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Everything Bright and Beautiful

Justice and Mercy

"Justice is turned back, and righteousness stands afar off; for truth is fallen in the street, and equity cannot enter. So truth fails, and he
who departs from evil makes himself a prey. Then the LORD saw it, and it displeased Him that there was no justice. He saw that there was no man, and wondered that there was no intercessor; therefore His own arm brought salvation for Him; and His own righteousness, it sustained Him. For He put on righteousness as breastplate, and a helmet of salvation on His head; He put on the garments of vengeance for clothing and was clad with zeal as a cloak."
Isaiah 59:14-17

“The Spirit of the Lord GOD
is upon Me, because the LORD has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.” Isaiah 61:1-3

~ ~ ~

So many times when people suffer injustice and are wounded particularly in the forms of physical abuse, molestation, or rape, and go in search of healing they are taught about the love of God and the need to forgive the people who wounded them. Both of these messages are incredibly crucial to healing and deliverance and without these bitterness and unforgiveness sets in there is a gap between these to and I think that most people can feel it. They wonder if God loves them so much why would He allow such terrible things to happen to them or to anybody, and though they know that they're supposed to forgive they wonder about just and whether or not it means anything at all. At least I did. There seemed to be something lacking., and while I was in the One Thing Internship I got to find out what it was. That "something lacking" was the understanding of God's love as a jealous husband who is not only a Bridegroom but a King with all dominion and all power and a Judge who will not allow injustice and unrighteousness to go one forever without retribution.

The Lord promised that injustice will be see an end and those who do not repent for their action will see full judgment for their wickedness. He is jealous for His bride and anyone who hurts her should be very afraid. God's love isn't only the fluttery, lovey-dovey sweetness towards us; His love is true love that values and protects. No one would believe that a husband loved his wife, if she was raped and beaten and the only thing he had to say about it was, "Oh honey, just forgive the guy it'll be okay. You just need to move on and forget about it." NO matter how many love letters that husband sent, or how many bouquets of flowers, if he was not consumed with rage at the thought of some strange person laying a hand on his wife, let alone the actuality, his affections would be in serious doubt. This idea of love is not humanly made; it originated in the heart of God.'

The understanding that the all-holy, all-powerful God is on our side and will vindicate us AND that not too long ago we were also enemies of God, full of wickedness and injustice ourselves, harming others that God valued and in line for judgment except for the grace of God is what leads me to forgiveness. When I understood this reality of God's love, I began to intercede for the lives of those who are in truth no different than me. This is what causes love for our enemies to grow in our hearts and total healing from the past. it caused me to pray that they will know the Lord Jesus as I have known Him, that they would find salvation as I have found it. Knowing that I was once on my way to the same judgment and that God will really bring justice in the end causes the love of God to well up in my heart.

This revelation was very important to me. Before I went to the internship I was (and still am) writing a short story about this very thing, and I came to the point where I couldn't write anymore because I didn't know what he Christians in the story would tell the main character. I didn't know what God had to say about injustice and to be honest I didn't know if He even cared. I would try to forgive those who had legitimately wronged me, but I couldn't let go of the fact that something wrong had been and form what the Christians around me said, God wasn't going to do anything about it. I would find myself jumping into other people's disagreements because I could see unfairness and "apparently" no one but me was going to take care of it, or striking out at people I knew from experience wanted to hurt me and because no one was going to take care of me I had to take care of myself. I held onto wrongs done me, because I was sure no one else had seen and God would surely forget. Understanding this truth about God's character has set me free in so many ways and I know that it is my function or calling to bring this message to hurting angry people inside and outside the Church who have believed a lie about God.

Knowing that God remembers enables us to forgive and forget and ask for forgiveness for that person who hurt us as well. Knowing that God sees everything not only puts a holy fear in us about our own lives, but it also lets us live our lives vulnerably, no longer on the defensive at every turn. I honestly think that that has been the biggest change in my view of God and in my life.

Easily the Most Romantic

August 5, 2008

August 5, 2008

I should be writing now at 1.05 hours past midnight you know what that means you’re not getting enough sleep and not prepared enough for the day tomorrow never prepared enough and midnight surprise is playing in your ears and that's all you can hear, what good is that to you to hear only this, the things you fail to do and the failures you only do it seems though I know that that’s not totally or only true.

Wake Up Princess, Wake up princess…

Stop fooling around stop wasting your time; you’re the one that doesn’t benefit from it. You’re the one that loses out. Always. The one that loses out

And that‘s not all, write the vision, eat the scroll, concentrate on the only one that matters, and stop slapping yourself in the face. If only you—I—could stop slapping you—myself—in the face, and I can’t even say it on white paper. I slapped myself in the face the other day and it wasn’t fun. No it wasn’t fun, but I seem to be unable to restrain. Unable to restrain these hands of mine that want to exact their vengeance on my body until it is a broken unbroken mass of what I am now, of what I should have “used to be”. But still am. Oh what I still am even this night still am, and still regretting that I am, but discipline is a hard commodity to come by, as you know. Discipline is hard, especially when you must exact it on yourself when neither you nor anyone else has before. But how else will I learn? I see no other way. If only I saw another way. But maybe that is the indiscipline in me speaking. There is no other way.



Noon-time brings with it a thick blanket of humidity,

that is heavy on my neck and arms, and

wrapped around my legs.

That and the heat coming through

the unprotected windshield are as comforting

as a husband’s embrace.

With my eyes half shut, I recline against

the vinyl covered seat, not caring

that I’m sticking to it or that my breathing

has become drinking.

I watch my feet,

propped up on the dashboard; they’ve changed

from milk chocolate to dark.

There’s nothing else to do.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Blog Things Can Be Fun

What Your Ideal Wedding Dress Says About You

Your Personal Style:
Young and flashy. You dress like a celebrity, and you love to accessorize. (inaccurate)

Your Ideal Wedding:
A huge party with all your friends, with lots of toasting and dancing

Your Philosophy on Marriage:
The person you marry should be your best friend. (accurate)

Your Perfect Marriage:
Is when you still surprise each other with romantic gestures

You Are Cilantro

The bad news is that there are some people who can't stand you.
The good news is that most people love you more than anything else in the world. (accurate)
You are distinct, unusual, fresh, and very controversial. And you wouldn't have it any other way. (accurate)

You Are the Ace of Clubs

You go at everything in your life full force. You are a natural gambler.
Your life definitely has some extreme highs and lows, but you know how to ride out the low times. (accurate)
A total adventure seeker, you are never satisfied by what's normal or ordinary. (accurate)
You like to push limits and shock people. You're dramatic, but a drama queen. (accurate)
Your life has been a wild ride so far. You have stories that people can barely believe. (50/50)
And you're probably still young... with a lot of wild rides in front of you.
A gamble you should take: High stakes roulette (50/50)
Your friends would describe you as: Crazy (50/50)
Your enemies would describe you as: Demented (50/50)
If you lived in Vegas, you would be: A high roller (inaccurate)

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict.
One moment you're in your own little happy universe... and the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

At your best: You understand the world completely, and every ordinary experience is sublime.

What people like about being around you: You say and do the craziest things. You're very entertaining.

What people dislike about being around you: You're unpredictable. Your mood swings are quite intense.

How addicted people get to you: They pretty much don't get addicted to you.

You Are 40% Open Minded

You aren't exactly open minded, but you have been known to occasionally change your mind.
You're tolerant enough to get along with others who are very different... (accurate)
But you may be quietly judgmental of things or people you think are wrong. (accurate)
You take your own values pretty seriously, and it would take a lot to change them. (accurate)

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.
You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. (50/50)
You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. (accurate)
Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel. (50/50)
At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well. (accurate)
At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn. (accurate)
Your Fixation: Envy (50/50)
Your Primary Fear: To have no identity (50/50)
Your Primary Desire: To find yourself (50/50)

Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Food and Drink

I have never cut myself. I've never used knife or razor or anything else to hurt my body. That's not to say that doing so hasn't been... attractive or tempting every once in awhile. Instead, I argue with myself try to think of something else. Usually after a few minutes the urge is gone. Sometimes I hit myself in the face or slap myself. Not hard enough to really hurt or leave a bruise but enough to distract myself, to wake myself up and at the same time appease the urge to hurt.

I do remember one day where that (cutting) was all I could think about. I remember thinking, "You know you want it. You know it will feel so good. So good." I saw it in my mind, going home and making just a small surface cut in my upper thigh. I wanted to so bad, but I didn't. I don't because I know-I know-that once I start it would be nearly impossible for me to stop, and I don't like that. I hate it, not having self-discipline, not being in control. It's like food.

I've been trying to resist it for most of my physically adult life and that hasn't worked so well. I remember reading "On Writing" by Stephen King and he was talking about his feelings now being a recovering alcoholic. He said something like he still looks at people who are drinking wine or some other alcoholic beverage and don't finish their glass and in his head he's saying "What the fuck's the matter with you?!? Finish your drink!" even though he can't/won't do the same anymore. I feel the same about food. How on earth do people not overeat? What in them says, "I have more room for food but I'm not going to eat anymore." What do they have that I don't that says having dessert once or twice a week isn't totally impossible and that even undesirable? To be completely honest I look at them and marvel. Why? How? I don't get it. Even as a Christian, who is supposed to have the Spirit of God living inside of me, I don't get it. And a part of me can't help but look and that and that it is so pathetic.

Romans 7
But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. 18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. 19 For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. 20 Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. 21 I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. 22 For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. 23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 I thank God--through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

This week in Modern Philosophy

Proverbs 25:2 (ESV)

It is the glory of God to conceal things,
but the glory of kings is to search things out.

My moden philosophy class has definitely been challeging some of my veiws of existence. My beliefs about God and who we are related to Him remain the same (biblical), and I'm not really worried that I'll be persuaded differently, but there are so many things that aren't explained in the Scripture and that are important and helpful (or maybe just interesting) to "seek out".

Obviously, one of the major topics in the class is the relationship between the body and the mind, and it's interesting to compare my own previously held thoughts to those of philosophers before me.When I was younger, I was always taught that we consisted of three parts; the body, the soul, and the spirit. The soul consisted of the mind, will, and emotions, and the spirit is the part of us that is dead before Christ, and comes alive when we are saved and communicates with God.

I'll have to do a word study myself, but off-hand I want to say that the Bible is not as clear on the matter, other than to say that the mind/soul/spirit (the something that makes you that isn't the body) exists that that is what is saved and redeemed when we accept Christ as Lord and Saviour, and that is what survives the death of the body. As to the nature of its existence, that is one of the things that God has concealed and that we are to search out, as long as we keep the most important things most important.

Why Superman Will Always Suck...

A little discussion some friends and I are having, based on this article:


BK FEATURE: Why Superman Will Always Suck

Article by Anthony Burch


It almost goes without saying, but if your hero cannot possibly be killed in any instance which does not somehow involve an incredibly rare space-rock, then you've got one boring-ass hero. It's sort of like watching Neo fight all the agent Smiths in The Matrix Reloaded: we know our hero can't possibly die, and he doesn't act like he's in any danger whatsoever, so the entire fight is a foregone conclusion and the audience becomes bored out of their skulls.

I mean, yeah – we obviously go into most superhero stories more or less positive that the hero won't die, but they still entertain us because the hero doesn't know that. Spidey is always scared, even if only a little, that one of the Green Goblin's pumpkin bombs will be the end of him; Daredevil is fully aware that a well-placed projectile from Bullseye could kill him. As a result, these characters act with restraint and forethought; since Superman knows nothing bad can happen to him no matter what, he acts with no such subtlety. He flies headlong into every conflict, fists thrust forward, because he knows he's in no immediate danger. Thus, we know he's in no immediate danger, and we get bored out of our fucking skulls.

Moral absolutism

Superman sez: all criminals are bad. All lawbreakers deserve punishment. If Superman were in charge of the DEA, roughly 70% of college students across the country would be serving time in prison right now.

Superman has no values of his own, so he's content to just uphold the values of the ruling class; this prevents him from becoming a dangerous vigilante a la Frank Castle, but it also means he has no legitimate opinions of his own where crime is concerned. In Paul Dini's storybook series on DC superheroes, Batman had to deal with gangland violence, Wonder Woman fights terrorism, and Superman tries to end world hunger. This is no accident – Superman is way too morally simplistic to deal with complex things like the "wars" on drugs or terror. In Batman: War on Crime, Bats comes up against a young boy holding a gun on him. Batman, understanding the complexity of crime and the reasons for its existence, talks the kid into dropping the gun and giving up a life of violence.

Superman would probably just use his heat-vision to melt the gun, then put the kid in prison where he'd become a hard-bitten thug who'd murder somebody a few months after getting out.

Truth, justice, and the Kryptonian way

While Superman represents and upholds the values of right-wing America, he never really earned the right to do so. The dude's a foreigner who took it upon himself to act as mankind's savior when, generally, mankind shouldn't need him (note, of course, that a significant number of the catastrophes which assault Metropolis on a weekly basis are initiated with the intent of fighting Superman – if Supes wasn't around, a lot of the criminal bullshit wouldn't be, either).

In the movie Superman Returns, Lois Lane writes an article explaining why mankind doesn't need Superman because we should be able to take care of ourselves, and the presence of an omnipotent superhero basically takes all responsibility off the human race and turns us into a bunch of helpless sheep, powerless to do anything but scream for help from our savior in times of crisis. She eventually decides this viewpoint is incorrect if only because she wants to bone Superman so badly, but the argument remains relevant no matter what.

Really, what lessons do the Superman comics teach? It says that mankind is full of dull, pointless weaklings and evildoers who can only be stopped by a white ubermensch from another planet, who didn't work a day in his life in order to achieve his powers. Yeah, you could say he's a symbol of "hope," but not hope in human nature – hope in an all-powerful alien who saves the world daily so you don't have to get off your butt and act like a moral person. What sort of message is that?

Powers given <>

What's the virtue in acting like a badass hero if you were born with the ability to be a badass hero? What's more impressive: the football player who trains for years and years just to play one game of pro football, or the guy who was born with innate athletic talent?

The answer is obvious, of course – powers earned are infinitely more impressive than intrinsic superpowers. Even though many superheroes do not "choose" their powers – from Spider-Man to Green Lantern, it's usually just happy accident that these normal schlubs get turned into superheroes – it's still a hell of a boring cop-out to simply be born with the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound. It's just not terribly impressive, and requires zero effort. If Superman is capable of catching bullets with his teeth mere moments after landing on Earth, isn't that a lot more boring than Bruce Wayne training for years and years, and using most of his fortune, to become Batman?

Hell, for that matter:

Batman > Superman

Batman had a much more tragic childhood (watching your parents die is infinitely worse than hearing your biological parents died without ever having met them), his crimefighting style is based more on intelligence and planning that Superman's brute force, and he's actually kicked the living shit out of Superman at least twice. Batman exhibits more moral maturity than Superman: Superman always upholds the status quo, but in Year One Batman goes on a crusade against Gotham's corrupt elite. Batman is a detective, a scientist, a master of disguise, and a martial arts expert; Superman is a burly asshole in a red cape with big muscles.

And it's not even a matter of Batman being a necessarily darker character than Superman, at least where it really counts. Both characters steadfastly refuse to kill their enemies under any circumstances; it's just a hell of a lot harder for Batman, which makes his attitude toward mercy all the more admirable. It's no problem at all for Superman to fly into the air holding a criminal by the scruff of their neck as their bullets bounce off him, but Batman has to disarm his baddies, then incapacitate them, then give them to the police, all while avoiding their knives and gunfire and explosives. It's five times harder for Batman to do anything which Superman takes for granted on a daily basis, yet he often does it a hell of a lot better.

And let's not forget The Dark Knight Returns, wherein Batman brilliantly beat Clark Kent almost to death (pausing only to fake his own) by using a mixture of planning and ingenuity that even Lex Luthor isn't really capable of. Even if we were to judge superhero quality solely by who could beat who in a fight, then Batman still wins, hands down.

To fix these problems is to turn him into another superhero altogether

I used to be okay with Superman, if only because I believed that, one day, a writer might come along and turn Superman into a complex, three-dimensional being with flaws. A superhero with legitimate, kryptonite-unrelated weaknesses. A superhero who, every once in a while, actually loses.

Then I read the above strip from Dinosaur Comics and realized the futility of it all.

Superman represents hope and indefatigable strength, and any attempt to complicate these issues would no longer make him Superman. By definition, Superman has to be boring and morally absolute because if he isn't, he ain't Superman. I mean, in Kingdom Come he's momentarily called to task for getting angry at the UN and threatening to kill the world leaders for killing Captain Marvel, but he's talked down from doing anything irrational within, like, two pages of initially getting the idea to fuck up the United Nations. Heck, Superman's arc in Kingdom Come isn't even anything deeper than "America has forgotten me and I them, and we need to restore faith in one another." Wow – real interesting. While you're doing that, Batman will be over in the corner, contemplating suicide.


Friend 1: Comic book philosophy, oi love it. I tend to agree
with most of it. This is what gets me with
smallville, it tries to make clark a 3d charachter and
it just ends up in cliche. I think the only way to
make superman real is to put him in a society where
everyone has superpowers equal to his own so that he
has to navigate in another way. I don't know what
that other way is, i haven't thought that much about
it but it wouldn't make a exciting comic.

Me (Antoinette): I think the reason that Superman remains popular is b/c he reveals the truth of human nature, subconscious though it may be. Other super heroes are deceptive b/c, like the writer said, they cause us to hope in human nature, though eventually it is revealed that human nature can only go so far. Consider Batman. Yes he's overcome a lot of his limitations as a crime fighter so far as becoming the best among superhumans, but the tragedy of his parents' death still haunts him and he can't seem to make his interpersonal relationships work b/c of it. And even with all his skill as a crime fighter he still can't stop each and every crime from happening, and some wonder whether his theatrical/dramatic/vigilante approach to exacting justice is what has actually created some of the criminals he fights, most notably The Joker. In the end all his great deeds are meaningless, because he and everyone around him is still broken. Perhaps it could be said that his righteousness is as filthy rags?