Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Food and Drink
I have never cut myself. I've never used knife or razor or anything else to hurt my body. That's not to say that doing so hasn't been... attractive or tempting every once in awhile. Instead, I argue with myself try to think of something else. Usually after a few minutes the urge is gone. Sometimes I hit myself in the face or slap myself. Not hard enough to really hurt or leave a bruise but enough to distract myself, to wake myself up and at the same time appease the urge to hurt.
I do remember one day where that (cutting) was all I could think about. I remember thinking, "You know you want it. You know it will feel so good. So good." I saw it in my mind, going home and making just a small surface cut in my upper thigh. I wanted to so bad, but I didn't. I don't because I know-I know-that once I start it would be nearly impossible for me to stop, and I don't like that. I hate it, not having self-discipline, not being in control. It's like food.
I've been trying to resist it for most of my physically adult life and that hasn't worked so well. I remember reading "On Writing" by Stephen King and he was talking about his feelings now being a recovering alcoholic. He said something like he still looks at people who are drinking wine or some other alcoholic beverage and don't finish their glass and in his head he's saying "What the fuck's the matter with you?!? Finish your drink!" even though he can't/won't do the same anymore. I feel the same about food. How on earth do people not overeat? What in them says, "I have more room for food but I'm not going to eat anymore." What do they have that I don't that says having dessert once or twice a week isn't totally impossible and that even undesirable? To be completely honest I look at them and marvel. Why? How? I don't get it. Even as a Christian, who is supposed to have the Spirit of God living inside of me, I don't get it. And a part of me can't help but look and that and that it is so pathetic.
17 But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. 18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. 19 For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. 20 Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. 21 I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. 22 For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. 23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 I thank God--through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.
at 4:10:00 PM