Monday, August 25, 2008

I just finished the book The Timetraveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenfegger and I hve to say it is the most heartbreaking book I've read since... Nicholas Spark's Message in a Bottle, though I cried harder and longer at the end of The Notebook (I haven't read the book yet). At the end of the story I basically wanted to fin my future husband whomever he may be, jump into his arms, and beg him to hold me and never let go.

It's funny that I feel that because last week (?) Thursday I was talking with my sister and something just happened. The drive, the heady desperation to be married just kind of... fell away from me.I still want it, but if it's not tomorrow or next year or even the year after I'm going to be okay. If it's before I'll be thankful, but if it's not, I'll be okay. I'm able to desire such things as a husband's embrace without feeling like the anvil of time is hanging over my head. God has it taken care of me no matter when it happens, if I remain faithful. And that's the hard part, remaining obedient and faithful.I'm bad at it and I don't know what to do half the time. I must change and I know it's just a wrong attitude in me, but it's so hard to just do as I know I should when I want to do something totally else.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Hannah Tolley is your soulmate.

You truly love Shalom.

You consider Vicky your true friend.

You know that Shalom is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Hannah Taylor for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Myself is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Prian is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Ramon is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Ramon changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think Royce is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Royce has a hidden internet romance.

There's a 62% Chance That You Need Therapy

You almost certainly need therapy. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Lately life has not been easy for you. Why not let a therapist help you sort things out?

Saturday, August 16, 2008

A Yet Untitled Song

A Yet Untitled Song

Clear-walled cage

With holes for air

I’m sitting there

Not sitting there

Watching you

In the clear-walled cage

With holes for air

Vine draped neck

Wrapped round and round

White glories hanging upside-down

And you sitting there

Content to be-

I’m sorry that it’s you, not me-

In your clear-walled cage

With holes for air

The moon man sings you a lull-a-bye

The taste of the song uncomforting

Certainly nothing

Could lead you to sleep

You pace in your cage


With holes

With holes for air

So you can breathe

But you—not content to be—

Wish not to breathe

And cover the holes

With your remaining clothes

You cover the holes

Of your clear-walled cage

With holes for air

And when I come back to see

Not to actually see

But to “see”

There is no one standing there

In the clear-walled cage

With no holes for air

A Young Bruce Wayne: The Suffering Frame

"Pain hardens, and great pain hardens greatly, whatever the comforters say, and suffering does not ennoble, though it may occasionally lend a certain rigid dignity of manner to the suffering frame."

Friday, August 15, 2008

Blog Things Can Be Fun, Part 2

You Are Andale Mono
You are a geek, pure and simple. You spend a lot of time online. (accurate)
In fact, you probably love the internet more than anyone you know.
You are picky about design, mostly for readability's sake. (accurate)
You are the type most likely to be irritated by a bad font. (accurate)

Only 1 question changes these two and I can't decide

You Are Black Tea

You have a bold personality. You're not afraid of simply being yourself.
You have the courage to speak the truth. You are fearless in your actions.
You come off as a bit intimidating and unapproachable. Only confident people are attracted to you.
You don't try to scare off anyone. You're just an intense person!

You Are Chai Tea

There are many subtle sides to your personality. You are difficult to decode.
You are a complex and deep individual. You have many nuanced beliefs, and your mood frequently changes.
You are a creative and expressive person. You draw your inspiration from the whole world.
You enjoy exotic food, music, and travel. Your tastes are very international.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Everything Bright and Beautiful

Justice and Mercy

"Justice is turned back, and righteousness stands afar off; for truth is fallen in the street, and equity cannot enter. So truth fails, and he
who departs from evil makes himself a prey. Then the LORD saw it, and it displeased Him that there was no justice. He saw that there was no man, and wondered that there was no intercessor; therefore His own arm brought salvation for Him; and His own righteousness, it sustained Him. For He put on righteousness as breastplate, and a helmet of salvation on His head; He put on the garments of vengeance for clothing and was clad with zeal as a cloak."
Isaiah 59:14-17

“The Spirit of the Lord GOD
is upon Me, because the LORD has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.” Isaiah 61:1-3

~ ~ ~

So many times when people suffer injustice and are wounded particularly in the forms of physical abuse, molestation, or rape, and go in search of healing they are taught about the love of God and the need to forgive the people who wounded them. Both of these messages are incredibly crucial to healing and deliverance and without these bitterness and unforgiveness sets in there is a gap between these to and I think that most people can feel it. They wonder if God loves them so much why would He allow such terrible things to happen to them or to anybody, and though they know that they're supposed to forgive they wonder about just and whether or not it means anything at all. At least I did. There seemed to be something lacking., and while I was in the One Thing Internship I got to find out what it was. That "something lacking" was the understanding of God's love as a jealous husband who is not only a Bridegroom but a King with all dominion and all power and a Judge who will not allow injustice and unrighteousness to go one forever without retribution.

The Lord promised that injustice will be see an end and those who do not repent for their action will see full judgment for their wickedness. He is jealous for His bride and anyone who hurts her should be very afraid. God's love isn't only the fluttery, lovey-dovey sweetness towards us; His love is true love that values and protects. No one would believe that a husband loved his wife, if she was raped and beaten and the only thing he had to say about it was, "Oh honey, just forgive the guy it'll be okay. You just need to move on and forget about it." NO matter how many love letters that husband sent, or how many bouquets of flowers, if he was not consumed with rage at the thought of some strange person laying a hand on his wife, let alone the actuality, his affections would be in serious doubt. This idea of love is not humanly made; it originated in the heart of God.'

The understanding that the all-holy, all-powerful God is on our side and will vindicate us AND that not too long ago we were also enemies of God, full of wickedness and injustice ourselves, harming others that God valued and in line for judgment except for the grace of God is what leads me to forgiveness. When I understood this reality of God's love, I began to intercede for the lives of those who are in truth no different than me. This is what causes love for our enemies to grow in our hearts and total healing from the past. it caused me to pray that they will know the Lord Jesus as I have known Him, that they would find salvation as I have found it. Knowing that I was once on my way to the same judgment and that God will really bring justice in the end causes the love of God to well up in my heart.

This revelation was very important to me. Before I went to the internship I was (and still am) writing a short story about this very thing, and I came to the point where I couldn't write anymore because I didn't know what he Christians in the story would tell the main character. I didn't know what God had to say about injustice and to be honest I didn't know if He even cared. I would try to forgive those who had legitimately wronged me, but I couldn't let go of the fact that something wrong had been and form what the Christians around me said, God wasn't going to do anything about it. I would find myself jumping into other people's disagreements because I could see unfairness and "apparently" no one but me was going to take care of it, or striking out at people I knew from experience wanted to hurt me and because no one was going to take care of me I had to take care of myself. I held onto wrongs done me, because I was sure no one else had seen and God would surely forget. Understanding this truth about God's character has set me free in so many ways and I know that it is my function or calling to bring this message to hurting angry people inside and outside the Church who have believed a lie about God.

Knowing that God remembers enables us to forgive and forget and ask for forgiveness for that person who hurt us as well. Knowing that God sees everything not only puts a holy fear in us about our own lives, but it also lets us live our lives vulnerably, no longer on the defensive at every turn. I honestly think that that has been the biggest change in my view of God and in my life.

Easily the Most Romantic

August 5, 2008

August 5, 2008

I should be writing now at 1.05 hours past midnight you know what that means you’re not getting enough sleep and not prepared enough for the day tomorrow never prepared enough and midnight surprise is playing in your ears and that's all you can hear, what good is that to you to hear only this, the things you fail to do and the failures you only do it seems though I know that that’s not totally or only true.

Wake Up Princess, Wake up princess…

Stop fooling around stop wasting your time; you’re the one that doesn’t benefit from it. You’re the one that loses out. Always. The one that loses out

And that‘s not all, write the vision, eat the scroll, concentrate on the only one that matters, and stop slapping yourself in the face. If only you—I—could stop slapping you—myself—in the face, and I can’t even say it on white paper. I slapped myself in the face the other day and it wasn’t fun. No it wasn’t fun, but I seem to be unable to restrain. Unable to restrain these hands of mine that want to exact their vengeance on my body until it is a broken unbroken mass of what I am now, of what I should have “used to be”. But still am. Oh what I still am even this night still am, and still regretting that I am, but discipline is a hard commodity to come by, as you know. Discipline is hard, especially when you must exact it on yourself when neither you nor anyone else has before. But how else will I learn? I see no other way. If only I saw another way. But maybe that is the indiscipline in me speaking. There is no other way.



Noon-time brings with it a thick blanket of humidity,

that is heavy on my neck and arms, and

wrapped around my legs.

That and the heat coming through

the unprotected windshield are as comforting

as a husband’s embrace.

With my eyes half shut, I recline against

the vinyl covered seat, not caring

that I’m sticking to it or that my breathing

has become drinking.

I watch my feet,

propped up on the dashboard; they’ve changed

from milk chocolate to dark.

There’s nothing else to do.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Blog Things Can Be Fun

What Your Ideal Wedding Dress Says About You

Your Personal Style:
Young and flashy. You dress like a celebrity, and you love to accessorize. (inaccurate)

Your Ideal Wedding:
A huge party with all your friends, with lots of toasting and dancing

Your Philosophy on Marriage:
The person you marry should be your best friend. (accurate)

Your Perfect Marriage:
Is when you still surprise each other with romantic gestures

You Are Cilantro

The bad news is that there are some people who can't stand you.
The good news is that most people love you more than anything else in the world. (accurate)
You are distinct, unusual, fresh, and very controversial. And you wouldn't have it any other way. (accurate)

You Are the Ace of Clubs

You go at everything in your life full force. You are a natural gambler.
Your life definitely has some extreme highs and lows, but you know how to ride out the low times. (accurate)
A total adventure seeker, you are never satisfied by what's normal or ordinary. (accurate)
You like to push limits and shock people. You're dramatic, but a drama queen. (accurate)
Your life has been a wild ride so far. You have stories that people can barely believe. (50/50)
And you're probably still young... with a lot of wild rides in front of you.
A gamble you should take: High stakes roulette (50/50)
Your friends would describe you as: Crazy (50/50)
Your enemies would describe you as: Demented (50/50)
If you lived in Vegas, you would be: A high roller (inaccurate)

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict.
One moment you're in your own little happy universe... and the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

At your best: You understand the world completely, and every ordinary experience is sublime.

What people like about being around you: You say and do the craziest things. You're very entertaining.

What people dislike about being around you: You're unpredictable. Your mood swings are quite intense.

How addicted people get to you: They pretty much don't get addicted to you.

You Are 40% Open Minded

You aren't exactly open minded, but you have been known to occasionally change your mind.
You're tolerant enough to get along with others who are very different... (accurate)
But you may be quietly judgmental of things or people you think are wrong. (accurate)
You take your own values pretty seriously, and it would take a lot to change them. (accurate)

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.
You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. (50/50)
You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. (accurate)
Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel. (50/50)
At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well. (accurate)
At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn. (accurate)
Your Fixation: Envy (50/50)
Your Primary Fear: To have no identity (50/50)
Your Primary Desire: To find yourself (50/50)

Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.