Sunday, April 26, 2009

Dreams Deferred

Friends have been asking me why I haven't really been playing the violin lately (lately meaning the last 6 months or so). And to be honest I haven't really known myself. My answer was just that I've been concentrating on my writing, which I have. But yesterday afternoon, while listening to Capitol Speedway (r.i.p.), I finally realized what the problem was. I am apart of an artistic community that, while striving to include everyone we meet, tends to attract those that are more into hip hop, neo-soul, blues, reggae, and African music. At the birth of this group I struggled to include more rock, hardcore, but that's difficult because I play the violin which is not a chordal instrument (it's harder to write music on) and I'm not a songwriter as much as a poet/lyricist. So even when I write lyrics if I go to someone in the group to write music it's not going to come out sounding anything close to the way intended. After awhile though I got really tired of it. I was definitely valued as a musician but not as a creative voice and that has bothered me.

I don't know where to go from here. I think I need to learn guitar. But more than that I've been discouraged. I guess I'll have to be the one to bring this change and diversity in the group. But I don't even know if that's what God wants me to do. So I'm abandoning this dream at His feet. It hurts because this is who I am and I'm not even allowed to be that anymore.

You know, there's one thing I hate; it's going to someone's house when they invite you and feeling unwelcome when you get there. Especially compared to the other guests. It's like, "why am i here? why did I come?" I thought I was coming to have fun and hang out with friends but I'm feeling more and more like an odd-numbered wheel. Again, why ask me to come if you don't even like me? I feel... played. Like people are laughing at me when I'm not looking. Laughing at not with.That's another feeling I hate. I like things to be out in the open. You don't like me t,hat's fine. But let's not pretend.

Then again maybe I'm just taking things too personally. I don't want to be doing that. But somehow I don't think that's what it is, I don't think I'm conjuring offense out of thin air.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The longest survey ever

[] I think I'm really attractive.
[] I prefer winter over summer.
[x] I am a geek.
[] I am a shopaholic.
[x] I am reasonably intelligent.
[] I am attracted to girls.
[x] I am attracted to boys.
[x] I like British accents.
[] I smoke regularly.
[] I smoke socially.
[x] I drink socially.
[] I drink regularly.
[x] I get drunk easily.
[] I do "drug(s)".
[] I will never date a bad kisser
[] I've lied to avoid kissing them again.
[] I brush my hair at least 50 times a night
[x] I am religious.
[] I am not religious but have morals.
[x] I lie frequently.
[x] I am impulsive.
[x] I am hardworking.
[] I loved Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
[] She's All That is one of my favourite movies.
[x] I am good at History.
[]I speak more than two languages.
[x] I enjoy taking pictures.
[x] I like spending money on myself.
[x] I like spending money on others.
[x] I have a regular income.
[] earn money on a job-by-job basis.
[] I pay my own bills.
[x] I rely on my parents for money.
[x] I can cook.
[] I enjoy cleaning.
[] Tidiness is a must in my life.
[x] I like clutter.
[] My idea of good music is Britney Spears.
[x] I am fashion-conscious.
[x] I have good taste.
[x] People tell me I have good taste.
[x] I am told I have yet to fulfill my potential.
[] I am good at sports.
[] I am good at certain sports.
[x] I couldn't do sports to save my life.
[x] I am creative.
[x] I am extremely artistically inclined.
[x] I want to be an artist when I grow up.
[] I want to be an engineer when I grow up.
[x] I eat when I'm upset.
[] I cannot adapt to change.
[x] I am interested in politics.
[] I have shoplifted.
[x] I download MP3s.
[] I have done underage drinking.
[] I have gone underage clubbing.
[x] I can dance reasonably well.
[] I can dance extremely well.
[] I dance like a cardboard gorilla.
[] I can sing.
[x] I sing like someone stepped on my foot.
[x] I can swim.
[x] I enjoy surveys.
[x] I enjoy surveys when I'm bored.
[x] I keep a journal.
[] My teachers don't like me.
[x] I enjoy controversy.
[x] I have a thing for bad boys/girls.
[] I have tattoos.
[] I've been in a nudist colony.
[] I'm not sure if I want to have children.
[] I'm not sure if I'll get married.
[] I know who I will marry.
[] Someone has a crush on me.
[x] I am interesting.
[] I am a good liar.
[x] People enjoy talking to me.
[x] I annoy people from time to time.
[] I am a born leader.
[] I am a born leader but shouldn't lead.
[] I've snuck out of the house.
[] I enjoy felching
[] I have a foot fetish.
[x] I have a shoe fetish
[x a few times] I watch Sex And The City.
[] I don't think Sarah Jessica Parker is pretty.
[] I want to be J Lo.
[] I cut myself.
[x] I have cut myself.
[x] I hate people who pretend to be suicidal.
[] I hate popular people.
[x]I think cheerleading is a sport.
[] I am photogenic.
[x] I live in Chucks.
[x] I think graffiti is art.
[] I have dated a criminal.
[] I have been cheated on.
[] I have cheated on someone.
[x] I have a temper.
[x] I like playgrounds.
[x once or twice] I dance in the rain.
[] I am obsessed with Shakespeare.
[] I have tanlines.
[x one of them] My favourite color is pink.
[x one of them] My favourite color is black.
[] I would classify myself as emo.
[x] I am musically inclined.
[x] I like listening to music.
[] I like music-blasting cars.
[] Thongs are comfortable
[x] I like flip-flops.
[x] I know what monogamy is
[x] and I believe in it.
[] I want to be a social worker when I grow up.
[x] I have sibling[s].
[x] My siblings annoy me
[x] I think South Park is funny.
[x] I prefer Google
[x] I can sit Indian Style
[] I own a cat
[] I plan on owning more.
[x] I read a lot.
[] I've cheated on a test.
[] I've let someone cheat off of me on a test

Have you ever...
[x] been drunk.
[] smoked pot.
[] kissed someone.
[x] rode in a taxi.
[] been dumped.
[] shoplifted.
[] been fired.
[] been in a fist fight.
[] broken a bone
[] got hit by a car.
[] snuck out of your parent's house.
[] been arrested.
[x] gone in a mosh pit.
[x] stolen something from your school.
[] celebrated new years in times square.
[] went on a blind date.
[x] lied to a friend.
[x] had a crush on a teacher.
[] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[] been to europe.
[x] skipped school.
[] thrown up from drinking.
[] lost your sibling.
[x] played 'clue'
[x] had a sleepover party.
[x] went ice skating.
[] cheated on a bf/gf.
[] been cheated on.
[] had your tonsils out.
[x] had a car
[] totalled a car

DO YOU ...
[x] feel loved.
[x] feel lonely.
[x] feel happy.
[] hate yourself.
[] think you're attractive.
[x] have a dog.
[x] have your own room.
[] listen to Hawaiian Music
[x] listen to underground hip hop
[x] listen to rap.
[x] listen to rock.
[] listen to country.
[x] listen to reggae.
[x] listen to techno.
[x] have hobbies
[x] have more than 1 best friend.
[x] get good grades
[x] play an instrument.
[x] have slippers
[x] wear boxers
[x] wear black eyeliner.
[] like the color blue.
[x] like the color pink.
[x] like to read.
[x] like to write.
[] have long hair
[x] have short hair.
[x] have a cell phone.
[] have a laptop.
[] have a pager

[] ugly.
[] pretty.
[x] okay.
[] Handsome.
[x] bored.
[x] happy.
[] bilingual.
[] Hawaiian.
[] Samoan.
[] Filipino.
[] Korean.
[] British.
[] white.
[x] black.
[] mexican.
[] asian.
[] short.
[] tall.
[x] realistic.
[] sick.
[] mad.
[x] lazy.
[x] single
[] taken
[x] looking
[] not looking.
[] talking to someone.
[] IMing someone.
[x more scared of how than the actual thing] scared to die
[x] hOrny.
[x] tired.
[x] sleepy
[] annoyed.
[x] hungry.
[x] thirsty.
[] on the phone.
[] in your room.
[x] drinking something.
[] eating something.
[] in your pjs.
[x] ticklish.
[] listening to music.
Thats all about me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!