Sunday, April 26, 2009

Dreams Deferred

Friends have been asking me why I haven't really been playing the violin lately (lately meaning the last 6 months or so). And to be honest I haven't really known myself. My answer was just that I've been concentrating on my writing, which I have. But yesterday afternoon, while listening to Capitol Speedway (r.i.p.), I finally realized what the problem was. I am apart of an artistic community that, while striving to include everyone we meet, tends to attract those that are more into hip hop, neo-soul, blues, reggae, and African music. At the birth of this group I struggled to include more rock, hardcore, but that's difficult because I play the violin which is not a chordal instrument (it's harder to write music on) and I'm not a songwriter as much as a poet/lyricist. So even when I write lyrics if I go to someone in the group to write music it's not going to come out sounding anything close to the way intended. After awhile though I got really tired of it. I was definitely valued as a musician but not as a creative voice and that has bothered me.

I don't know where to go from here. I think I need to learn guitar. But more than that I've been discouraged. I guess I'll have to be the one to bring this change and diversity in the group. But I don't even know if that's what God wants me to do. So I'm abandoning this dream at His feet. It hurts because this is who I am and I'm not even allowed to be that anymore.

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