Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Reevaluation: The Unexamined Life

Right now I really don't know who to trust anymore. I feel very confused. For one reason or another (a lot of one reason or anothers) a lot of the people that I've considered friends for the past few years of my life have shown themselves to not be the most reliable. And that's been my closest circle; I don't have the emotional energy to create in-depth relationships with a ton of people to I've concentrated on this circle for awhile. And now, as I'm nearing the end of my undergraduate experience I don't know if I did the right thing. SHould I have invested more in my "college experience" especially when it was already difficult to intergrate into FSU being a junior transfer student. Should I have spent more time at work and on campus ratther then being with my friends doing art together and at home chilling. Maybe that's the real culprit in all  the this. The time that I could have spent being with people but was instead spent on ff.net and polyvore and facebook, etc. But all of my time spent there was recovering from all the emotional investing because I'm honestly not that kind of person. I prefer to be alone with my books and music or with a *very* select few people. And after being around a lot of people all day and expending intellectual energy at school I want to come home and not do that anymore. But I've also neglected the time I needed to spend with God. Has all that resting away from people meant resting away from God too? Yes. And that's not right.
If I really feel that I can't involve myself in people like that that's fine and dandy but I have priorities and they are this:
  1. God
  2. Family/Home 
  3. School
  4. Writing and Poetry
If I am spending more time developing relationships (hanging out) with people that aren't even that trustworthy and not enough time on the four above points then I have a problem and I need to realign my priorities
To be able to do the above I need a job and that's a fact so #5 would be Work. Who am I? What am I doing? What have I been doing these past 5 years? I know I learned something Jan. - Jun of '07 but where has that learning gone? At the end of the One Thing internship they tried to tell us that we would NEED to learn how to prioritize our time if we were going to continue in a life a prayer and i've found that to be unutterably true these 2-3 years since then.

Dear Father I ask you to help me do what's right with my time. So often I get overwhelmed just thinking about everything that needs to be done and then I just shirk all my responsibilities to escape the feeling of powerlessness, but Lord I know that's not the right way to face it. SHow me what to cut ou God. Turn my eyes from worthless things I pray. Show where you want me to go and what you want me to do, because my vision is cloudy and I don't know what the end goal is, specifically for me. There are so many things in my heart and I don't know what to do to accomplish them.

Things to cut out
  • television: watch 2 or 3 shows a week and that's it. Cut out movies unless they are special (Precious, The Great Debaters, etc.) and add to your education/knowledge (documentaries)
  • Fanfiction.net: this site takes up so much of your time that could be spent on your own writing or reading things that contribute to your understanding of God, life, etc. Adnthere is so much on there that is not Godly
  • Polyver: ditto. While there is some artistic benefit to the site, you spend too much time not utilizing that part and instead on ce\ovetting clothes and other material things.
  • Downgrade your netflix to one movie out at a time and out all the documentaries/bible movies at the top of your queu
Other things that need to be done
  • Pay off all library fines
  • Clean and organize your room so that you can actually find all the lost books and any other things you need
  • On Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday have Dad drop you off at the gym in the mornings with your student ID; fear of failure and fear of ridicule is no reason at all to stay where you are physically. "God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind"
  • Pay off all debts. Start saving as much as you can towards your student loan debt.

I can't write this anymore (never say I can't) i don't want to write this anymore. Even contemplating all the thing I need to change overwhelms me. I feel lik it's impossible. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" "My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches and glory. He shall give his angels charge over me, for Jehovah Jireh cares for me."


I'll come back to this later I have homework to do...

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